Christmas songs are perhaps the main reason Christmas is the worst time of the year. They are typically cynical cash grabs lacking in any creativity and, in a perfect world, would be deleted from the public consciousness by some sort of mind laser.
If you’ve been overcome by mawkish sentimentality and the liberal use of sleigh bells that is Christmas songs, check out our survival guide for tips on how to survive the nightmare.
Obviously, there isn’t enough room on the internet to name and shame all of the terrible Christmas songs, but here are the worst offenders.
Mariah Carey: All I want for Christmas is you
All Mariah wants for Christmas is you. That’s right, you. She doesn’t care about the presents beneath the tree which, honestly, makes me regret buying her Pokémon Sun even though she was bugging me about it for months. She’s not even going to wish for snow. Imagine that?
The real problem with this song however is not that it’s creatively barren (which it obviously is) but that Mariah claims that she doesn’t want much for Christmas, but then freely implies her support for human trafficking.
“Santa, won’t you bring me the one I really need?
“Won’t you please bring my baby to me?”
I don’t think Santa would be okay with smuggling people across international borders just so they can be your personal love slave, Mariah.
Band Aid: Do they know it’s Christmas?
Yes Band Aid, they do know it’s Christmas. In fact, they probably knew it was Christmas way before a bunch of self-congratulatory celebrities dove into a recording booth and sang about it.
It’s important not to forget that Band Aid raised huge sums of money to combat famine in Ethiopia, but it’s also important to remember that all they really did was show up, sing a terrible song, and then pat themselves on the back.
Keep in mind that Bob Geldolf, architect of our misery, was enjoying a career slump at the time and probably benefited most out this whole sordid affair.
“And there won’t be snow in Africa this Christmastime” – it’s so stupid, I don’t even know where to begin…
Justin Bieber: Mistletoe
Poking fun at Justine Bieber is a British pastime, like drinking tea or football hooliganism, and it’s important that we don’t let that tradition die.
This saccharine disaster zone of a song is enough to make anyone want to climb out of their own skin and catapult themselves into the sun. Those who have been paying attention so far will notice the running theme connecting these songs is that each is complete devoid of creative merit, and make no sense.
Case in point: “Everyone’s gatherin’ around the fire
“Chestnuts roastin’ like a hot July”
We here at Yoppul HQ would like to remind Mr Bieber that the Chestnut is seasonal to Autumn. We know you probably didn’t go to school because you’re a super millionaire and learning is for idiots, but get it together man!
Slade: Merry Christmas everyone
Never has fame and fortune been so unjustly earned.
Noddy Holder and his band of festive propagandists have a lot to answer for. I first heard this song when I was in primary school as part of an actual lesson. If that doesn’t constitute some form of state-sponsored indoctrination, I don’t know what does.
Luckily for me however, I’ve always been a miserable contrarian. As soon as I saw joy on the faces of my classmates, I knew that this song, and Christmas in general, was going to be popular so instantly I rallied against it.
It’s 20 years later, Noddy is a millionaire, and everyone still loves Christmas, but I get paid to call him an talentless hack over the internet so who’s the real winner here?
“Look to the future now,
“It’s only just begun”
I appreciate the philosophical nature of this statement. If everything in the past is past, and the present is also in the past, then when is the future? Has it only just begun? Unfortunately for Slade, they lose marks for their thesis on the human perception of time being woefully underdeveloped.
Wizzard: I wish it could be Christmas everyday
No you absolutely do not. What a brazen and appalling lie. You should be ashamed of yourself. Not only would it cripple the economy, children would be locked in an endless cycle of Nativity plays, musical creativity would wither and die, and the only thing on TV would be the Great Escape until the end of time.
“Don’t you lock the doors,
“You know that sweet Santa Clause is on the way”
Terrible advice. Lock your doors people, otherwise it will void your home insurance in the event of a burglary. That’s exactly what Santa wants. Don’t give him the satisfaction.